Dear Hope,
Today was going to be a really important milestone for my embryos and I couldn’t sleep all night waiting for the call from my nurse. Unfortunately, it was not what I wanted to hear. I am sad to say that NONE of our embryos made it to today. I could tell as soon as the nurse said hello to me that something was wrong. The feeling I had when she gave me the news was complete devastation. I don’t even remember anything else she said after that. All I knew was that I was back where we started with more time, money and emotions taken away and nothing to show for it.
It may sound silly but whenever I lose an embryo, whether at Day 1 or Day 6 I feel like I lose a part of ME. I know that they are only a group of cells… but their OUR cells and I love them from day 1. This whole process has taken so much out of me and every disappointment chips away at my HOPE and my HEART. I have never wanted something so much and it’s sometimes hard to accept something that comes so easy to others has been such a struggle for us.
My Dr called me today to see how I was doing. Talking with her eases my frustration and continues to give me hope that having a healthy baby is still a possibility. I am happy to say that there was some good news for the day. It actually it was GREAT news… Dr. Hock was able to look up some information on the one frozen embryo we currently have. The lab has already conducted the PGD (genetic) testing and it came back that our embryo is completely genetically and chromosomally normal!!!! This was huge news for us!!! This means that it is possible to have a healthy embryo and hopefully a healthy pregnancy and baby!!!! My dr said this was a great sign and even though it may take us another ivf cycle to get another normal embryo it is possible. But, seeing as she considers us such a “difficult case” and still unsure why we are unable to get our embryos to the blastocyst stage - her plan is to present our case to the other drs in the group and see if they have any other suggestions.
But… the plan is that as soon as I get my next period (hopefully in about 10days or so) I will call RMA and start this process again. So probably by the end of March I will start the injections and by Mid-April would undergo another Egg Retrieval.
I can’t believe I have to do this again… for a 5th time! It almost doesn’t feel real… Holding on to the little HOPE that I have.
Kate
With all of that bad news you still managed to look at the bright side of things. That is what is going to keep you going on your darkest day. When you have your first little girl, you should name her Hope! If you have a boy you could name him hop...errr..hobo...umm. Well, how about Esperanzo? That's the masculine version of hope in Italian. Now that I am thinking about it, ignore all of my advice on names. I did want to name my son Patrizio at some point until a certain someone ( no name) told me it sounded like a male figure skater. Anyway, I have something for you and I think now is a good time to give it to you. Talk to you soon.
ReplyDeleteThanks Gina for making me SMILE and making me LAUGH! Patrick, Patrizio... either way he would still be such a cutie! Talk to you soon.
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