"Dear Hope,
Hi! I hope you don’t mind but my sister has shared a little of what you are going through on your journey to get pregnant and I wanted to share a little insight, my story, and maybe be a resource if you need.
So a little background on me so you don’t think I am a complete crazy stranger… I have to warn you my story is a little long and has been an emotional rollercoaster. So, if you are not up for it just skip to the end…. Anyway, my husband Brian and I will be married for 3 years come June but have been together for a total of 9 years. We started dating in college and have been together ever since. We always knew we wanted to have kids but knew it was the “right” thing to wait a bit. So when we got married in June 2008 we decided to wait 1 year then we would start trying (All of my friends had gotten pregnant right away so it never crossed my mind that we would have problems).
So in January 2009 I went off the pill and we had the “well if it happens it happens” type of method. In June we went a big vacation to celebrate our 1 year anniversary and I remember us both saying “Ok that was our last trip alone before kids” (little did we know then). So for June – October I was like a crazy lady… I spent a ridiculous amount of money of ovulation predictor kits, pregnancy tests and had a calendar devoted to our "schedule". (Sorry… this might be a little TMI but as you will find when going through this process there is no such thing as Too Much Information… you will start talking about things that you never thought you would… so if you are offended STOP now. Hahaha!!!) Anyway… like I was saying.... every month I would buy the pregnancy tests and nothing! The worst were the digital… “NOT PREGNANT”!!! Couldn’t they make nicer ones like… “I’m so sorry, maybe next month”??? So, as my sister may have mentioned I am a Pharmaceutical Rep so that October I was talking to one of the Doctors who I’m pretty close with and I was telling him how we weren’t pregnant yet and I was getting frustrated! So, he ordered a full work up on my blood to see if anything was completely out of whack, and nope I was in perfect range. (I secretly was hoping something was wrong so it would be a quick fix). At that point I made an appointment with my OBGYN just to talk to her about what I should do. So after my appointment she sent me for an ultrasound and my husband for a sperm analysis. My ultrasound came back normal but my husband’s analysis came back a little low. So at that point I knew it was time to talk to a fertility specialist to get their opinion. Most drs tell you to wait at least a year but I wasn’t willing to wait….I was only 27 and my husband 29 this shouldn’t be happening. A friend recommended RMA of NJ (Reproductive Medicine Associates). So I made an appointment and after talking with the dr (who is amazing, I loved her) it was pretty clear we needed to go ahead with IVF with ICSI (ICSI is when they actually inject the sperm into the egg vs. traditional IVF where the just put the egg and sperm in a dish and let them make the magic- its more money but higher chance of fertilization). The dr did some other tests and blood work up on me and said I was borderline of having PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome – which could also be factoring into our infertility because it effects the quality of your egg production.) Next, was for my husband to meet with the Urologist who worked with RMA . This Dr was in the forefront of male factor infertility. So we made an appointment with the dr, ironically named Dr. Seaman!!!! (Sorry no relevance but totally hysterical) The next few months (December-April 2009) which seemed like a lifetime the dr had my husband, on a bunch of different medicines and put him through a battery of tests.
Finally we get the ok and last May 2010 we started our 1st IVF cycle. I was so excited but really nervous at the same time. After all the injections and medicines (which if you have questions, I can explain in detail) it was Egg Retrieval day!! They retrieved 13 eggs, the next day they call with the fertilization report. Meaning how many where mature enough to do the ICSI on and how many actually fertilized. So of the 13, 11 were mature but only 3 fertilized!!!! I was devastated!!!! The odds were not in my favor and I thought this was all for nothing. But they continued to grow and on day 3 (couldn’t push them out to do a day 5 transfer because so few of them) I got the call that all 3 were still growing and to come in for the transfer. We put in 2 embryos and just hoped and prayed that it worked! The next was the dreaded 2 week wait… it felt like forever!!! But when it finally came to the blood test… I was PREGNANT!!!!!! I couldn’t believe it, it was all worth it! The wait, the emotional ups and downs, and the crazy injections… all of it I would have done over and over again to feel the excitement that we felt that day! So for the next 13 weeks I was the happiest I have ever been in my life! I felt so lucky that it worked the 1st time and that everything was finally going as planned! Well… I couldn’t have been more wrong. I was released from RMA and was going to my regular OBGYN when it was time to go for the 12 week ultrasound and standard genetic testing appointment on July 29th. That day would change me forever. I knew something was wrong when the ultrasound tech went to get the dr. He came in and proceeded to tell me that the baby had no heartbeat! How could this be I felt fine I had just had an ultrasound at 10 weeks (Note… when you get pregnant with a fertility specialist, you will go every week for 9-10weeks for an ultrasound. So, it’s great because you get to see your baby grow from just the cells to an actually growing baby. It’s amazing but I also was extremely attached very early on). I felt like my world was caving in on me, how could this be happening? The next day I was scheduled for a D&C at the hospital. I cried the entire time leading up to the procedure and I can remember thinking maybe they made a mistake. Maybe this was all just a nightmare but when I woke up from the surgery the nightmare didn't go away. I can't even describe the feeling of emptiness that I now felt. I still feel like a part of me is missing and I don’t ever think I will get that back. Mean while my sister had become pregnant and how was I going to now tell her that our plans of our 2 kids growing up only weeks apart was now ruined? It took me a while to try and understand the loss and then as I was still grieving my sister suffered a miscarriage. Now I really couldn’t understand why this was happening. It just wasn’t fair.
So…. After a few months my body was finally ready to do another IVF Cycle. This time I really thought it was going to happen… it had too! So in October we started all the shots and medicine and went in for the Egg Retrieval. We retrieved 11 eggs, 9 were mature and 5 fertilized!!!! I was so happy… then we got the call that all 5 made it to day 3 and they were pushing us to a day 5 transfer! I finally thought luck was on our side! But on Day 5 the dr actually called to let me know that 4 of the 5 didn’t make it and the last one was not progressing as they would like so they were pushing it one more day and if it made it I would do the transfer. I went in on Day 6 (October 25th) and sure enough it made it! This was it my little fighter, my miracle! But the day before I was to go in for my pregnancy test, I got my period! I was once again devastated! At this point we were out of insurance money so anything we decided to do would be out of pocket. Luckily my husband and I were on the same page and are willing to pay any amount to get pregnant. So, I spoke with my dr and as soon as possible I wanted to do another cycle. We also decided that on the next cycle we were going to pay the extra money to do genetic testing (Called PGD testing). With my miscarriage and because we are having such a huge drop off rate during the 5 days prior to transfer ( the embryos arresting) my dr was concerned that something chromosomally is wrong. So, I just recently embarked on yet another round of meds and emotions and just last Thursday (Dec. 9) I had my Egg Retrieval. They retrieved 12 eggs, 9 were mature and 6 fertilized! My best numbers yet!!! So I will find out this Sunday (day 3-December 12th) how many are still growing and then on Tuesday (Day 5) if any left I would then normally do the transfer. We are kind of in a unique situation this time because we are opting to just freeze whatever embryos make it and then do another cycle in January and hope to get more embryos and then do the genetic testing on all embryos at the same time (it’s a cost thing… $4000 PGD testing of one cycle or $7000 for 1-15 embryos – so with our drop off rate so high and not getting many to day 5, our dr thought it would be more economical to try to get as many embryos as possible before we do the testing so we can just pay once… sorry its confusing and if you decide to genetic test I can explain the whole process more). So I am currently in the waiting process….
So that’s me, my life and my story! I know it was a lot to take in and you’re probably thinking holy crap is this what I am going to have to go through. Hopefully not! But I wanted to share because I feel it’s important to talk to and hear the stories of as many people as you can that have gone through this. You have already started what may be the hardest time of your life. Everything is about to get tested… your marriage, your relationships with friends and family, your finances and your own self strength. First off, your marriage, I was lucky that this whole process as hard as it has been and continues to be my husband has been my rock and we have actually gotten closer through it all. You go through things that no one else except your husband will be there for and it really creates an amazing bond. So I am so grateful for that because I would like to believe that I had a strong healthy relationship before but this just took it to another level. My hope is that it will do the same for you. Be honest with your husband, tell him how you feel, your worries, your fears and also your happiness. You are about to go on the most emotional rollercoaster of your life (mainly due to all the hormones they pump into you… ) Also, just a suggestion- if you end up doing the shots, let your husband take on that role. He can prep them and poke you and It will give him his purpose in this process).
Next, your family and friends. Choose wisely who you tell. Not all respond to the idea of fertility intervention (whether you end up doing an IUI or IVF) the same. Really, who cares but you still will have to hear about it… (The one I hate to most “why not just adopt, there are so many unwanted babies out there” ugh! I really need to make a book about what not to say to someone who’s trying to get pregnant!) and think about how many times you want to talk about what is going on. But, family and friends can me a huge support so if your someone who likes to share go for it, you will find who your true friends are and who will stand by you when you need them the most!
Next, finances …. Well there is no way getting out of this one! Depending on insurance coverage you may get some help or no help at all. (Look at both your plan and your husbands and see what is the best). For us, we were under my insurance which covered $30,000 maximum for life for any fertility treatment so, that is why my dr didn’t want to chance trying IUI (which is less invasive, less costly but for our situation would be less effective) and wanted to go right to IVF with ICSI. So, after 2 cycles I was out of insurance money- about $10,000 for each cycle and $5,000 each time for the medicine… crazy I know! Last cycle we paid out of pocket about $15,000 + $7000 for the genetic testing (hope my sister doesn’t expect a big Christmas present this year! Hahaha!). Also, don’t forget about the extras, like copays and deductibles, I would create a binder and keep all receipts and info they give you (all medical expenses are a tax write off above a certain amount so keep track!).
Lastly, yourself Strength….this is something that will come from within and be tested every day. You will do things you never thought possible and it is so important to know and to tell yourself that this is something that you cannot control and it is not your fault. We all grow up thinking we will meet the man of our dreams, get married, buy a house, have a baby and live happily ever after. Well… I can bet that the day you met with your fertility specialist it changed everything. That baby you so desperately want isn’t just going to happen (“if you relax, or get drunk and have sex or if you stop trying”). It’s going to take work and if you and your husband are ready to take this on and commit 100% then it will EVENTUALLY happen. Believe me after 3 cycles and an obscene amount of money later I still have hope!!! My last piece of advice and probably the hardest to accept… don’t compare yourself or your situation to anyone else. It took me a while to come to terms with that. As I saw all my friends getting pregnant around me I couldn’t help but compare myself to them and feel so bad for myself (don’t get me wrong, I tend to have a pity party for myself at least once a week) but it only tore me apart and made me more upset. So I finally realized that my husband and I are our own family and nothing will compare and we will eventually get pregnant and have a baby, it might take longer but a healthy baby is forever and this is only temporary.
I hope this has helped even just a little bit and sorry if I rambled on about my whole crazy journey but I wanted to let you know that I know what you are going through and if you need anything please reach out to me. Also, I know my sister is a wonderful support system and an amazing person who will listen if you need someone just to talk to. She understands what you are going through not only because of me but because she too has had heartache and struggle with trying to have a baby. Take care and I’m here if you have any questions or just need to talk.
Kate"
