Starting Again

Dear Hope,

We are back at it. Well maybe…. Timing this month may not be on my side. So I went for blood work on my Day 3  and all of my blood work came back in normal ranges. (BLOOD LEVELS: E2 Level: 39.0 /FSH Level: 4.28 /LH Level: 1.28 /P4 Level: 0.424) Next step is to start Ovulation Predictor Tests starting on Day 10 (March 4^th).  So… depending on when I ovulate, it will determine if we are able to go ahead with our next IVF cycle.  This is because if I ovulate on schedule (Day 14), I would start the Lupron injections a week later and then shortly after I start the stimulating injections to get my eggs cookin! However, I will be out of town the last week of March for work, which is the prime time for possible egg retrieval.  I am soooo frustrated because that would mean I would have to wait another cycle before we can start.  I know I should be patient and after all this time what’s another month…. But I am just ready to be done with this step of the process.

 I am taking this time to do whatever I can to set us up for the best possible cycle.  I am working out more, eating healthier, and I have started a regular schedule of ACUPUNCTURE!!!!!!  I went for my 1^st appointment last Friday and I really enjoyed it.  I felt so relaxed and a sense of tranquility came over me.  Although looking down at my body filled with hundreds of needles was a little freaky!!!!  Maybe next time I will just keep my eyes shut!  But overall it still was a great experience and can’t wait to go again.  I have read a lot about the benefits of acupuncture and have read that it can actually increase the chances of getting pregnant. I will do anything at this point… if the dr told me to walk backwards and only eat lima beans I would do it! But as we all know, it’s not that easy.  So I am hoping that the acupuncture will be the difference this time and we can finally move forward. 

Kate

Bad News... Bad Day...

Dear Hope,

Today was going to be a really important milestone for my embryos and I couldn’t sleep all night waiting for the call from my nurse.  Unfortunately, it was not what I wanted to hear.  I am sad to say that NONE of our embryos made it to today.  I could tell as soon as the nurse said hello to me that something was wrong.  The feeling I had when she gave me the news was complete devastation.  I don’t even remember anything else she said after that.  All I knew was that I was back where we started with more time, money and emotions taken away and nothing to show for it. 

It may sound silly but whenever I lose an embryo, whether at Day 1 or Day 6 I feel like I lose a part of ME.  I know that they are only a group of cells… but their OUR cells and I love them from day 1.  This whole process has taken so much out of me and every disappointment chips away at my HOPE and my HEART.  I have never wanted something so much and it’s sometimes hard to accept something that comes so easy to others has been such a struggle for us.  

My Dr called me today to see how I was doing.  Talking with her eases my frustration and continues to give me hope that having a healthy baby is still a possibility.  I am happy to say that there was some good news for the day. It actually it was GREAT news… Dr. Hock was able to look up some information on the one frozen embryo we currently have.  The lab has already conducted the PGD (genetic) testing and it came back that our embryo is completely genetically and chromosomally normal!!!! This was huge news for us!!!  This means that it is possible to have a healthy embryo and hopefully a healthy pregnancy and baby!!!! My dr said this was a great sign and even though it may take us another ivf cycle to get another normal embryo it is possible.  But, seeing as she considers us such a “difficult case” and still unsure why we are unable to get our embryos to the blastocyst stage - her plan is to present our case to the other drs in the group and see if they have any other suggestions. 

But… the plan is that as soon as I get my next period (hopefully in about 10days or so) I will call RMA and start this process again.  So probably by the end of March I will start the injections and by Mid-April would undergo another Egg Retrieval. 

I can’t believe I have to do this again… for a 5^th time! It almost doesn’t feel real…  Holding on to the little HOPE that I have.

Kate

Day 5... one more day!!!!

Dear Hope,

So I am not sure where to start but I will try to break down what has happened this week. Last I wrote I had not spoken to anyone regarding my embryos and was pretty upset.  On Tuesday I received a call from my dr and it was some good news and some disappointing news. 

1^st with the good…  as of Day 3 (Monday) all 10 embryos were still growing.  Woo who!!!!  My dr explained that the embryology lab looks at many different aspects of the embryo including how many cells and how they are dividing when grading them.  Grading scale is 1-5 with 1 being best and 5 worst.  (she said that they very rarely give out a 1 so any 2s would be great).  So we had… 5 – with 8 cells / 2 – with 7 cells and 1- 6 cells, 1-5 cells, -1-4cells.  Of these-  3 were had a grade of 2 (yay!!!) and 2 had a grade of 3 (and those would have the best chance of making it).  So I was very happy to hear this and excited that hopefully if all continued to go well I would be able to test and transfer on Thursday.  Well…. I was mistaken!!!!!  Apparently, Brian and I misunderstood or were misled on the process of the PGD genetic testing and transfer.  I had been under the impression that I would be able to do a transfer if all worked out on this cycle.  Nope!  If we get at least one by day 6 (tomorrow) then it will have to be frozen and I will have to undergo a “Frozen Embryo Transfer” cycle.  Ugh!!!  I am not sure why this was not explained to us in the beginning and needless to say I have been very frustrated.  My dr said we can do it on my very next cycle but that still means more medications and more expenses!!!!  I don’t think it will be as expensive as a full ivf cycle or as demanding on my body, but again just a letdown that we once again go another month without being pregnant! 

So, my dr called today with the update of my embryos.  As of today, DAY 5 I had 4 embryos left and all 4 were at the “Morula” stage of development.  That is good but they need to be at the “Blastocyst” stage before they can do the genetic testing and transfer.  I asked my dr for a better explanation as to why I can’t do a transfer on this cycle.  She explained that it would only have been possible if the embryos were at the blastocyst stage today.  That way they could do the biopsy today and be ready for transfer tomorrow.  However, because my embryos are only at the morula stage they are not ready for biopsy.  If they were to biopsy them fresh tomorrow, then even if they were healthy they wouldn’t make it outside the body to Day 7.  Make sense???  I know very confusing!!!! But It does finally make some sense now that my dr explained it better.  Ultimately I want to do what is right for my embryos and if they have the best chance to make it by waiting to do the transfer then I am ok with that. 

With all this being said… Tonight is a BIG night!!!!  Now my 4 embryos still have to not only make it to tomorrow (Day 6) but they will have to be at the blastocyst stage in order to be frozen and for us to move on to the next cycle transfer.  Anything can happen but I am praying and HOPING for a miracle that all 4 make it!!!!!

Kate

DAY 3... No News!!!

Dear Hope,

So all day I waited and waited for the phone call that never came.  On Day 3 post Egg retrieval my nurse is scheduled to call me with the status of my growing embryos.  All weekend I have been excited for this call. But for whatever reason I NEVER received a call.  After anxiously waiting all day I finally called and left a message for my nurse or my dr to call me… no return call. At 5pm I called RMA and left a message with the answering service for a nurse call back and now its 8:30pm and still no call.  I am so frustrated!!!  This is a time that I am supposed to be calm and try not to stress but it’s very hard when I have no answers!  I know whatever they tell me will not change anything, but at least I would have feel better if I knew something.  I was really hoping for some good news on Valentine’s Day!!!  But, I keep trying to tell myself “no news is good news”.   

I just left my nurse a very stern voicemail requesting a call from her and my dr asap tomorrow morning!!!  We will see….

Kate

The Report is In!!!

Dear Hope,

So far so good…  I received the call from the nurse regarding my fertilization report and I couldn’t be happier at this point.  Of the 20 eggs retrieved, 16 were mature (of which they performed the ICSI procedure) and 10 FERTILIZED!!!!!!

Once again, I know anything can happen but this is an amazing start! My embryos have overcome their 1^st hurdle and now I just pray and hope that they continue to be healthy and strong!!!!  Next step… I will receive a call Monday (Day 3) with their status.  Because I am doing the PGD testing they will automatically be pushed out to at least Wednesday (Day 5) versus a possible day 3 transfer which would have been Monday.  I am still recovering from the retrieval procedure but it’s all worth it!!! The countdown begins and I’m trying to stay calm but can’t wait until Monday!!!

Kate

MY IVF STATS:
1st Cycle: 13 eggs retrieved, 11 mature, 3 fertilized- day 3 transfer of 2 embryos
2nd Cycle: 10 eggs retrieved, 7 mature, 5 fertilized - day 6 transfer of 1embryo
3rd Cycle: 12 eggs retrieved, 9 mature, 6 fertilized - day 6 cyrofreeze of 1 embryo
4th Cycle: 20 eggs retrieved, 16 mature, 10 fertilized...........???????????

Eggs, Eggs, and More Eggs!!!!

Dear Hope,

So my Aunt Sue told me to think about the Easter Bunny today… and it must have worked because the Easter Bunny sure did come with lots of EGGS!!!! 

 That’s right… my retrieval went great and they retrieved 20 EGGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That is my best number yet (1^st retrieval was 13, 2^nd was 10, and last was 12)!!!! So I almost doubled what I had done in the past! But as excited as Brian and I both are we know that things can change dramatically overnight.  So I am staying cautiously optimistic but hoping for the best!  As far as the procedure everything went well, I woke from the anesthesia pretty sore so the nurse gave me some pain meds in my IV to help out. She said because the dr retrieved so many eggs I was probably sore from him “digging around in there” Yikes!!!  Not medical terminology but the description fits how I feel. With my soreness and nausea that I was experiencing, I was dreading the one hour car ride home… and it was not easy! I made Brian pull over on the Garden State Parkway twice so I could throw up! Not fun! But I kept telling myself that this is all worth it if our outcome leads to success.

Now begins the first step in the waiting game… tomorrow my nurse will call with the “fertilization report”.  She will let me know of the 20 eggs retrieved, how many were actually mature and then how many actually fertilized. So tonight is a big night!!!!  I am hoping and praying that tomorrow’s phone call is good news and we have strong healthy embryos growing!!!  

Kate

Getting closer...

Dear Hope,

Everything went well today with my ultrasound and blood work (E2 Level: 2884 / HCG Level: 106 / P4 Level: 2.55), so I am on track for tomorrow’s Egg Retrieval.  I am really excited to head up to Morristown and hopefully have a successful day! Fingers Crossed!

Kate

2.9.11

Dear Hope,

I knew today was going to be hard but I didn’t think it was going to be this hard.  When most people are excited to count down the days to their “Due Date”… I have been dreading this day knowing that I would have nothing “Due” except the painful reminder of our loss.  It’s hard to think that it has been 9 months and I am still not pregnant.  All day I have been trying to convince myself that I was ok but as I write this I realize how disappointed and upset I really am.  But I have to believe that fate is on my side this time and it’s finally my turn to have some good luck.  Out of all the days and weeks of the year I find it extremely ironic that this is the week I am doing my Egg Retrieval.  So, it has to be a good sign… right?

My ultrasound went well this morning and my blood work came back in the appropriate ranges (E2 Level: 1733 / P4 Level: 1.01) , so tonight is an important night for me! My nurse instructed me to stop all other injections and just to do my 2 “trigger” shots of Ovidrel tonight at 11pm.  The Ovidrel is used to help the follicles mature and trigger the ovulation so the timing is very important.  I still have to go again tomorrow morning for blood work and ultrasound just to make sure everything is on track and see if I will need any additional medications before the retrieval.  But, if all is good then FRIDAY is the big day!!! Hopefully all my “baby eggs” (as my sister and I like to call them) are mature and ready to go!

As hard as today was emotional I was lucky to be able to talk to some friends and family to keep my spirits high and focus on the excitement of Friday!  I am trying my best to stay positive and trust that this will be my time.

Kate

Almost there...

Dear Hope,

Today’s appointment went well but not too much to update on.  When my dr looked at my ultrasound she said I was “border-line”… Meaning that some of my follicles were reaching maturity but wanted to see what my blood work came back at.  My estrogen level (E2) was at 976 and my Progesterone level (P4) was at 0.514.  She said she wanted my E2 level to be above 1000, so one more night of the injections!!! I am scheduled for ANOTHER morning monitoring (ultrasound & blood work) tomorrow and more than likely I will get the go ahead that my Egg Retrieval will be this Friday! Keeping my fingers crossed that everything continues to go smooth!

Kate

"Perfect"

Dear Hope,

Today was another great day and I have to say my ego is getting bigger by each appointment.  Saturday the dr said my follicles looked “BEAUTIFUL” and today my Dr said I had a “PERFECT” Uterus!  She said she wished everyone had a Uterus that looked like mine!  Hahahaha!!!! As far as the progress of my follicles…. My right ovary had 5 follicles measuring at about 15mm and about 15 less then 10mm.  My left ovary had 6 follicles at about 15-17mm and 6 less than 10mm.  The dr was really happy with my response to the medications. The goal again is consistency!!!  So my left side is definitely on bored with this plan… right side needs a little catching up! My blood work also came back in the normal ranges (E2 Level: 627 / P4 Level: 0.278).

Also… I was able to ask Dr. Hock what her expectations were regarding how many embryos she would like to see this cycle in order to do the genetic testing and possible transfer… She said only one!!!!  Obviously more is better but if we are lucky enough to get at least one this time she thinks we should go ahead and test!!!  Brian and I both agree… although we are still cautiously optimistic, we are thinking positive and hoping that everything is normal and we can finally go ahead with the transfer! 

At this point things can go pretty quick so my dr wants to make sure she is keeping a close eye on me.  Next appointment… bright and early tomorrow morning.! The 430am alarm clock comes way too early but will totally be worth it!!!!  Hoping for the best…

Kate

Beautiful...

Dear Hope,

I went to morning monitoring (very early for a Saturday) today and so far things are progressing great!  The dr said I was off to a good start and even said my follicles looked “beautiful”.  It’s a weird feeling to get excited about your insides… but I’ll take it!  He measured 2 in my left ovary about 10mm and 12 smaller ones and 2 in my right ovary about 11mm and about 10 smaller ones.  So, each ultrasound they are looking for the follicles to continue to grow but the goal is to have each grow at a consistent pace.  They want the majority of the follicles to be able to be at a mature stage for the egg retrieval. When they reach about 20-25mm is when I will be ready for my “trigger shot” and 36 hours from that will be by egg retrieval.  My blood work also came back ok (E2 Level: 284  and P4 Level: 0.430) so my medication protocol will stay the same.  Next step… blood work and ultrasound on Monday.  Grow “follies” Grow!!!!

 I am planning on going to the Somerset office to have my monitoring done by my dr.  I have been going to RMA’s new and a lot closer to home location in Eatontown.  How it works is that each dr at RMA is responsible for set days at certain locations. So even though my dr will make the decisions on my care I often see different drs in the practice.  They are all wonderful but I love my dr the best and I have a few questions I want to go over with her.   Brian and I are in a unique situation… as you know we have one embryo frozen and decided to do another cycle in hopes that we will get at least one if not multiple embryos before we do the genetic testing and transfer.  I want to go over with her a few scenarios so I know what to try and plan for.  But as I have found out in the past, much of this is a “game day decision” and as much as I want to plan I never can know what will happen for sure.  So for my own sanity, if I at least know somewhat to expect I will be less stressed (if that’s even possible).  Let’s HOPE for a good day Monday as I continue to keep thinking positive thoughts.

Kate

"It is what it is... But will become what you make of it"

Dear Hope,

Last November my mother in-law Eileen, found out she had Pancreatic Cancer.  What she thought was just a back ache that wouldn’t go away turned out to be her worst nightmare.  After numerous tests the drs concluded that because of the placement of the tumor it is at this time, inoperable.  But, the goal is that with aggressive chemotherapy they will be able to shrink the tumor enough so that they can then operate and remove it.  In the past few months she has undergone numerous surgeries and unfortunate complications which have forced her in and out of the hospital and still hasn’t been able to start chemo. Eileen is such an amazing person.  She is one of the strongest and most determined women I have ever met.  I look up to her in so many ways and I am so lucky to be a part of her family. Because of all her strong qualities… in theory the plan seemed so easy to get to her end goal and beat the cancer.  But easy is not even a word that can even be associated with what she has had to endure.   . 

I have been with Brian for almost 10 years and in that time I have obviously grown very close with his mom and his family.  But, it wasn’t until last year when I shared our infertility struggles with Eileen that we really became close.  During our IVF cycles, after every appointment I would have my list of people that I needed to update so the 1^st call was of course my mom but the very next call was to her. Even if it was early and with the time difference (she lives in Arizona) she always was excited to answer and hear how things went.   I can remember calling her the day we found out I was pregnant and how excited she was. She right away wanted to make sure that Brian (her baby boy) was taking care of me and her future grandbaby.  In July, Brian and I took our 1^st trip out to Arizona to visit her and we had such a great time.  I remember how excited she was for us and couldn’t wait to be called “Nana”.

As vivid as I remember the phone call to tell her our good news I also remember the call I had to make to let her know about my miscarriage.  But, she knew just what to say to make things feel a little better and help me get through my darkest days (I guess it’s a mom thing).  Since then we have been through 2 more unsuccessful IVF cycles and she still has remained positive and always gave me words of encouragement.   The hard part about the last cycle and this current cycle is that because of what she is going through and her hospital stays, I am not able to call her every time I get done with the dr and I miss that.  I miss her… 

After I found out about her cancer the 1^st thing I thought of was that if we are lucky enough to have kids, they may not meet their “Nana”.  I know she is going though so much pain and even as strong as she is, I know there are days that she just can’t take it.  But selfishly I don’t ever want her to stop fighting…  I don’t want to ever imagine my life without her in it or that she wouldn’t be a part of her grandkids lives.  Even though I know I could not control my miscarriage, I often feel guilty and think about how if hadn’t lost the baby that she would get the opportunity to be a nana.  I know that I shouldn’t even think that way but sometimes it’s hard not to.  So it is even more important that this current IVF cycle be a success. 

But with all that, whenever I am feeling sad or struggling through the day I think about Eileen’s new motto: “It is what it is… But will become what you make of it!” That exemplifies the type of person that she is… always looking for the positive even when things seem to be at their worst. 

I want to believe that the positive of having to go through all the IVF struggles has been to give me the opportunity to strengthen my relationship with my mother in-law.  So all my sadness, heartache and frustration has been worth it to know that I have been able to build a strong and everlasting bond with her that can never be taken away!

I love you Eileen,

Kate

"Aunt Flo" has Arrived!!!

Dear Hope,

Well it is true… “Aunt Flo” has come to town!!!! I know you are probably thinking this is a bad thing but after 43 days of no period I am thrilled.  My body and hormones have been so out of whack (just ask Brian…sorry!) that I am so glad to be on to my next step. So this also meant I could call in my “day 1” to my dr and get scheduled to go in for an ultrasound and blood work on day 3 (today-2/2/11).  So I went in today for morning monitoring and the dr walked in looked at me, looked my chart smiled and said isn’t this “de ja vu”.  Unfortunately yes… I told him I am hoping that this is lucky cycle #4!!!!  

The ultrasound went well…  My uterus and Ovaries looked good (believe it or not by now I actually know what to look for on the ultrasound screen and can tell what is normal) The dr counted out about 10 follicles in the right ovary and 14 in the left. Not every follicle will be mature or even produce an egg but it’s a great start!  The ultrasound is never a fun thing, but at least this means that I can continue on with this process. My blood work also came back good (E2 Level: 66.5 /P4 Level: 0.369).  So I will continue on the Lupron Injections and start the Low dose HCG and the Gonal F injections tonight.  Not looking forward to sticking myself 3 times each night but I am a pro at this by now!!!  Not something I had on my bucket list to overcome but I guess can I can mark it off! 

Next step… ultrasound and blood work on Saturday 2/5 to check on my progress.

Just for the record - morning monitoring for those that don’t know is between 6am-730am… so on top of all the medications now you know why I am so tired when I go through a cycle. It’s not the ideal way to start the day but as long as things are progressing I am happy and hoping that this will be the last time I have to go through this. 

More updates to come…

Kate