lucky number...... 5??????

Dear Hope,

So I have been very bad at keeping you up to date so here is a recap of what has happened and what is going on…  I spoke with my dr regarding our plan for our next cycle.  When she called she asked if my ears were ringing because she had just gotten out of a meeting with her partners.  She said she presented our “case” to the group to see if any of the other drs may have a different approach to our cycle.  Because I always respond so well the medication and everything looks textbook up until the embryo growth period they didn’t think we needed to change anything. The only suggestion was that I complete some extra genetic testing, one of which is called a Karyotype Test. (Brian was tested a while back and was negative) Because of our IVF history the drs think it is worth me doing since it is only a blood test.  The results will tell if I have “unbalanced translocation” chromosomes (meaning- missing or mismatched chromosomes).  There is only a 1% chance that I could have this, but it’s worth ruling out at this point. It’s all very scientific and confusing but when my Dr explained I understood… I think.  

 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karyotype

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chromosomal_translocation

So, on March 15^th I went in for blood work and will hopefully find out the results in a few weeks.  That same day I received a positive ovulation test! Day 21 of my cycle!!! So I would like to believe that I was able to “will” myself to ovulate late so I could go ahead with our next IVF cycle!  I went in on Wednesday March 23^rd (my dad’s birthday- maybe a good sign) for blood work in the hopes that we could start the Lurpon injections.  Well the results were in (BLOOD LEVELS: E2 Level: 201 / P4 Level: 11.0) all in normal ranges so we were set to go! 

I leave on Sunday for Vegas for a work Meeting (sounds exciting but we work extremely long hours and now that I am doing the injections I can’t drink!) so I will have to bring the medication and syringes on the plane and had to make sure I have a room with a refrigerator.  I am more concerned because I usually am a little “fuzzy” and very uncomfortable when I am on the injections, but I just have to suck it up and keep telling myself it is all worth it! Maybe since the timing is so inconvenient and I will be so distracted with work that maybe this is my lucky cycle!!!!

Next step… when I get back from my trip I will go in for blood work and a ultrasound on Saturday April 2^nd and if all looks good I will start the stimulating injections to start growing my eggys!!! My Egg Retrieval will probably be some time in the week of April 11^th. 

Please Please Please keep us in your thoughts and Prayers…. I still can't believe this will be the 5th time I am going through this...

Kate

Pregnant Bellys EVERYWHERE!!!!

Dear Hope,

Whenever going through (or trying to go through) a major life changing event, it seems like everywhere you look there are reminders of what you are doing.  For example, when wanting to get engaged I remember noticing everyone else’s engagement rings or even if you want a new car, that car is now seen all over the road.  But most recently for me, when trying to start a family, there are pregnant women and newborn babies everywhere!!!!  

Besides friends that are pregnant (which I feel is like everyone!)  I feel like wherever I go, I see or hear about someone being pregnant.  Wednesday was a perfect example of what I deal with every day… 1^st I noticed on facebook that a friend of mine is now pregnant with her 2^nd child (side note- not only are all my friends getting pregnant, having babies, but now they are on their 2^nd). Also on facebook I have to read about anyone and everyone who is pregnant being so happy and giving minute by minute status updates of how they feel and what a prefect life they have. (I would never want to take anything away for anyone who is excited and expecting but you have to understand some days it’s just too much for me). Then that same day, on the plane flying to Arizona to visit my mother in-law the couple next to me talked for about 15 minutes about their friends who just found out they were pregnant.  Then I look to the left of me and there was a woman in the next seat with a cute little belly on her.  Lastly, when I arrived to AZ, Brian mentioned that he was out at a bar with a friend the night before and the bartender   was like 8 months pregnant and could barely reach across the bar to give them their drinks.  That’s just wrong!  

So… now you can see how not only am I dealing with my own inner struggle to remain strong but how difficult it can be to have constant reminders around me all the time.

It can be very frustrating but there are some exceptions… when my closest and dearest friends and family announce the good news that they are expecting I could not be happier and excited to welcome their little miracle into the world.  But being human going through what I have been going through, there still are days that even as happy as I am I still will get emotional.  That is where a great friend or of course family will recognize and hold back to “protect” me.  As strong as I want to believe I am, I appreciate this act of friendship and compassion more than anything. 

Kate

Ready to Try Anything

Dear Hope,

 I went for my 2^nd acupuncture appointment on Friday and am already feeling the positive effects of it.  It’s hard to explain but during the session I feel an overwhelming sense of serenity.  As I meditate my thoughts wander but in a way that relaxes me.  I really believe this is going to not only make a difference in my upcoming IVF cycle but in my overall life.  When I was done my acupuncturist gave me a Chinese “ritual” to perform during ovulation.  She said that she often suggests this to women who are struggling with infertility.  I know I have said I will try anything so here it is:

During ovulation she said to 1^st put sea salt in my belly button.  (Yes you read it correctly! My belly button!!!) Then with the incense stick she gave me (which she said will smell really bad-but part of the ritual) , Brian is to light it and make slow circular motions above my belly button until I can feel the heat.  Pull it away and repeat 3 times. 

Each time saying a relaxation and empowerment phrase like “Give me strength, give me power, give me courage.” 

I tried looking up this type of ritual on the internet and couldn’t find anything.  But I trust her and her teachings and even though it seems a little out there, I will try anything!!!!! I am just looking for one little miracle and if this will help me get just a little closer then sea salt and incense it is!!!!

Kate

Not so Nice of a Day

Dear Hope,

So I have to share the phone call I received today…  So around 11am I answered my cell phone and to my surprise a women was calling from Monmouth Medical Center.  This is kinda how it went… 

“Hi, I am calling from Monmouth Medical Center, is this Katie?” 

I said, “Yes” (thinking OMG is someone sick, is something wrong)

She then said she was from the Insurance Department (only thing I could think of was if I still owed money from my D&C procedure from July? But really didn’t want to have to think about that or go over any details).

I said,” Ummmm… OK”

Then she proceeded to say… “I am calling because I have it scheduled that you are coming in shortly to have you baby and I needed to go over a few things.”  

What! I didn’t even know what to say, I was silent for what felt like an eternity then I managed to say…  ” No I actually had a miscarriage in July and I am NOT pregnant.” (Queue the tears)

She was silent for what now felt like an eternity on her end but then she said… “ O… OK… Ummmmm…. This must have been a mistake, Have a Nice Day!” (Now the tears were flowing)

Have a nice day????  What she should have said was… “I am sorry I just disrupted your day and made you feel horrible, I am sorry I not only brought up the fact that you miscarried but that you are still not pregnant.”   I couldn’t believe that just happened! It was so strange and why today??? 

I immediately called Brian and as he answered the phone I just started sobbing.  I explain what happened and he felt horrible! He told me to take a few deep breaths and to keep my head up. (Remember this was in the middle of my work day) Like always he reassured me and told me that we will “Get There” Even though I was feeling a little better I HAD to call my mom.  She always knows what to say to make me feel better and I could definitely use a pep talk.  Sure enough, she made me feel better! Love you Mom!!!!  She said that even though I was sad maybe this was a good omen… a good sign that I will be pregnant soon! I sure hope so…. 

My fertility issues have once again proven to be an everyday challenge.  Just when I think I have my emotions and my head in check something like this happens.  Today is a perfect example…. I was having a good day, pretty distracted with work so not able to think too much about the baby stuff but then one phone call changes my mood for the rest of the day.  I am trying so hard to stay strong and to stay positive but some days my patience and emotions are tested.  Still holding on to HOPE.

Kate

Starting Again

Dear Hope,

We are back at it. Well maybe…. Timing this month may not be on my side. So I went for blood work on my Day 3  and all of my blood work came back in normal ranges. (BLOOD LEVELS: E2 Level: 39.0 /FSH Level: 4.28 /LH Level: 1.28 /P4 Level: 0.424) Next step is to start Ovulation Predictor Tests starting on Day 10 (March 4^th).  So… depending on when I ovulate, it will determine if we are able to go ahead with our next IVF cycle.  This is because if I ovulate on schedule (Day 14), I would start the Lupron injections a week later and then shortly after I start the stimulating injections to get my eggs cookin! However, I will be out of town the last week of March for work, which is the prime time for possible egg retrieval.  I am soooo frustrated because that would mean I would have to wait another cycle before we can start.  I know I should be patient and after all this time what’s another month…. But I am just ready to be done with this step of the process.

 I am taking this time to do whatever I can to set us up for the best possible cycle.  I am working out more, eating healthier, and I have started a regular schedule of ACUPUNCTURE!!!!!!  I went for my 1^st appointment last Friday and I really enjoyed it.  I felt so relaxed and a sense of tranquility came over me.  Although looking down at my body filled with hundreds of needles was a little freaky!!!!  Maybe next time I will just keep my eyes shut!  But overall it still was a great experience and can’t wait to go again.  I have read a lot about the benefits of acupuncture and have read that it can actually increase the chances of getting pregnant. I will do anything at this point… if the dr told me to walk backwards and only eat lima beans I would do it! But as we all know, it’s not that easy.  So I am hoping that the acupuncture will be the difference this time and we can finally move forward. 

Kate

Bad News... Bad Day...

Dear Hope,

Today was going to be a really important milestone for my embryos and I couldn’t sleep all night waiting for the call from my nurse.  Unfortunately, it was not what I wanted to hear.  I am sad to say that NONE of our embryos made it to today.  I could tell as soon as the nurse said hello to me that something was wrong.  The feeling I had when she gave me the news was complete devastation.  I don’t even remember anything else she said after that.  All I knew was that I was back where we started with more time, money and emotions taken away and nothing to show for it. 

It may sound silly but whenever I lose an embryo, whether at Day 1 or Day 6 I feel like I lose a part of ME.  I know that they are only a group of cells… but their OUR cells and I love them from day 1.  This whole process has taken so much out of me and every disappointment chips away at my HOPE and my HEART.  I have never wanted something so much and it’s sometimes hard to accept something that comes so easy to others has been such a struggle for us.  

My Dr called me today to see how I was doing.  Talking with her eases my frustration and continues to give me hope that having a healthy baby is still a possibility.  I am happy to say that there was some good news for the day. It actually it was GREAT news… Dr. Hock was able to look up some information on the one frozen embryo we currently have.  The lab has already conducted the PGD (genetic) testing and it came back that our embryo is completely genetically and chromosomally normal!!!! This was huge news for us!!!  This means that it is possible to have a healthy embryo and hopefully a healthy pregnancy and baby!!!! My dr said this was a great sign and even though it may take us another ivf cycle to get another normal embryo it is possible.  But, seeing as she considers us such a “difficult case” and still unsure why we are unable to get our embryos to the blastocyst stage - her plan is to present our case to the other drs in the group and see if they have any other suggestions. 

But… the plan is that as soon as I get my next period (hopefully in about 10days or so) I will call RMA and start this process again.  So probably by the end of March I will start the injections and by Mid-April would undergo another Egg Retrieval. 

I can’t believe I have to do this again… for a 5^th time! It almost doesn’t feel real…  Holding on to the little HOPE that I have.

Kate

Day 5... one more day!!!!

Dear Hope,

So I am not sure where to start but I will try to break down what has happened this week. Last I wrote I had not spoken to anyone regarding my embryos and was pretty upset.  On Tuesday I received a call from my dr and it was some good news and some disappointing news. 

1^st with the good…  as of Day 3 (Monday) all 10 embryos were still growing.  Woo who!!!!  My dr explained that the embryology lab looks at many different aspects of the embryo including how many cells and how they are dividing when grading them.  Grading scale is 1-5 with 1 being best and 5 worst.  (she said that they very rarely give out a 1 so any 2s would be great).  So we had… 5 – with 8 cells / 2 – with 7 cells and 1- 6 cells, 1-5 cells, -1-4cells.  Of these-  3 were had a grade of 2 (yay!!!) and 2 had a grade of 3 (and those would have the best chance of making it).  So I was very happy to hear this and excited that hopefully if all continued to go well I would be able to test and transfer on Thursday.  Well…. I was mistaken!!!!!  Apparently, Brian and I misunderstood or were misled on the process of the PGD genetic testing and transfer.  I had been under the impression that I would be able to do a transfer if all worked out on this cycle.  Nope!  If we get at least one by day 6 (tomorrow) then it will have to be frozen and I will have to undergo a “Frozen Embryo Transfer” cycle.  Ugh!!!  I am not sure why this was not explained to us in the beginning and needless to say I have been very frustrated.  My dr said we can do it on my very next cycle but that still means more medications and more expenses!!!!  I don’t think it will be as expensive as a full ivf cycle or as demanding on my body, but again just a letdown that we once again go another month without being pregnant! 

So, my dr called today with the update of my embryos.  As of today, DAY 5 I had 4 embryos left and all 4 were at the “Morula” stage of development.  That is good but they need to be at the “Blastocyst” stage before they can do the genetic testing and transfer.  I asked my dr for a better explanation as to why I can’t do a transfer on this cycle.  She explained that it would only have been possible if the embryos were at the blastocyst stage today.  That way they could do the biopsy today and be ready for transfer tomorrow.  However, because my embryos are only at the morula stage they are not ready for biopsy.  If they were to biopsy them fresh tomorrow, then even if they were healthy they wouldn’t make it outside the body to Day 7.  Make sense???  I know very confusing!!!! But It does finally make some sense now that my dr explained it better.  Ultimately I want to do what is right for my embryos and if they have the best chance to make it by waiting to do the transfer then I am ok with that. 

With all this being said… Tonight is a BIG night!!!!  Now my 4 embryos still have to not only make it to tomorrow (Day 6) but they will have to be at the blastocyst stage in order to be frozen and for us to move on to the next cycle transfer.  Anything can happen but I am praying and HOPING for a miracle that all 4 make it!!!!!

Kate