Getting closer...

Dear Hope,

Everything went well today with my ultrasound and blood work (E2 Level: 2884 / HCG Level: 106 / P4 Level: 2.55), so I am on track for tomorrow’s Egg Retrieval.  I am really excited to head up to Morristown and hopefully have a successful day! Fingers Crossed!

Kate

2.9.11

Dear Hope,

I knew today was going to be hard but I didn’t think it was going to be this hard.  When most people are excited to count down the days to their “Due Date”… I have been dreading this day knowing that I would have nothing “Due” except the painful reminder of our loss.  It’s hard to think that it has been 9 months and I am still not pregnant.  All day I have been trying to convince myself that I was ok but as I write this I realize how disappointed and upset I really am.  But I have to believe that fate is on my side this time and it’s finally my turn to have some good luck.  Out of all the days and weeks of the year I find it extremely ironic that this is the week I am doing my Egg Retrieval.  So, it has to be a good sign… right?

My ultrasound went well this morning and my blood work came back in the appropriate ranges (E2 Level: 1733 / P4 Level: 1.01) , so tonight is an important night for me! My nurse instructed me to stop all other injections and just to do my 2 “trigger” shots of Ovidrel tonight at 11pm.  The Ovidrel is used to help the follicles mature and trigger the ovulation so the timing is very important.  I still have to go again tomorrow morning for blood work and ultrasound just to make sure everything is on track and see if I will need any additional medications before the retrieval.  But, if all is good then FRIDAY is the big day!!! Hopefully all my “baby eggs” (as my sister and I like to call them) are mature and ready to go!

As hard as today was emotional I was lucky to be able to talk to some friends and family to keep my spirits high and focus on the excitement of Friday!  I am trying my best to stay positive and trust that this will be my time.

Kate

Almost there...

Dear Hope,

Today’s appointment went well but not too much to update on.  When my dr looked at my ultrasound she said I was “border-line”… Meaning that some of my follicles were reaching maturity but wanted to see what my blood work came back at.  My estrogen level (E2) was at 976 and my Progesterone level (P4) was at 0.514.  She said she wanted my E2 level to be above 1000, so one more night of the injections!!! I am scheduled for ANOTHER morning monitoring (ultrasound & blood work) tomorrow and more than likely I will get the go ahead that my Egg Retrieval will be this Friday! Keeping my fingers crossed that everything continues to go smooth!

Kate

"Perfect"

Dear Hope,

Today was another great day and I have to say my ego is getting bigger by each appointment.  Saturday the dr said my follicles looked “BEAUTIFUL” and today my Dr said I had a “PERFECT” Uterus!  She said she wished everyone had a Uterus that looked like mine!  Hahahaha!!!! As far as the progress of my follicles…. My right ovary had 5 follicles measuring at about 15mm and about 15 less then 10mm.  My left ovary had 6 follicles at about 15-17mm and 6 less than 10mm.  The dr was really happy with my response to the medications. The goal again is consistency!!!  So my left side is definitely on bored with this plan… right side needs a little catching up! My blood work also came back in the normal ranges (E2 Level: 627 / P4 Level: 0.278).

Also… I was able to ask Dr. Hock what her expectations were regarding how many embryos she would like to see this cycle in order to do the genetic testing and possible transfer… She said only one!!!!  Obviously more is better but if we are lucky enough to get at least one this time she thinks we should go ahead and test!!!  Brian and I both agree… although we are still cautiously optimistic, we are thinking positive and hoping that everything is normal and we can finally go ahead with the transfer! 

At this point things can go pretty quick so my dr wants to make sure she is keeping a close eye on me.  Next appointment… bright and early tomorrow morning.! The 430am alarm clock comes way too early but will totally be worth it!!!!  Hoping for the best…

Kate

Beautiful...

Dear Hope,

I went to morning monitoring (very early for a Saturday) today and so far things are progressing great!  The dr said I was off to a good start and even said my follicles looked “beautiful”.  It’s a weird feeling to get excited about your insides… but I’ll take it!  He measured 2 in my left ovary about 10mm and 12 smaller ones and 2 in my right ovary about 11mm and about 10 smaller ones.  So, each ultrasound they are looking for the follicles to continue to grow but the goal is to have each grow at a consistent pace.  They want the majority of the follicles to be able to be at a mature stage for the egg retrieval. When they reach about 20-25mm is when I will be ready for my “trigger shot” and 36 hours from that will be by egg retrieval.  My blood work also came back ok (E2 Level: 284  and P4 Level: 0.430) so my medication protocol will stay the same.  Next step… blood work and ultrasound on Monday.  Grow “follies” Grow!!!!

 I am planning on going to the Somerset office to have my monitoring done by my dr.  I have been going to RMA’s new and a lot closer to home location in Eatontown.  How it works is that each dr at RMA is responsible for set days at certain locations. So even though my dr will make the decisions on my care I often see different drs in the practice.  They are all wonderful but I love my dr the best and I have a few questions I want to go over with her.   Brian and I are in a unique situation… as you know we have one embryo frozen and decided to do another cycle in hopes that we will get at least one if not multiple embryos before we do the genetic testing and transfer.  I want to go over with her a few scenarios so I know what to try and plan for.  But as I have found out in the past, much of this is a “game day decision” and as much as I want to plan I never can know what will happen for sure.  So for my own sanity, if I at least know somewhat to expect I will be less stressed (if that’s even possible).  Let’s HOPE for a good day Monday as I continue to keep thinking positive thoughts.

Kate

"It is what it is... But will become what you make of it"

Dear Hope,

Last November my mother in-law Eileen, found out she had Pancreatic Cancer.  What she thought was just a back ache that wouldn’t go away turned out to be her worst nightmare.  After numerous tests the drs concluded that because of the placement of the tumor it is at this time, inoperable.  But, the goal is that with aggressive chemotherapy they will be able to shrink the tumor enough so that they can then operate and remove it.  In the past few months she has undergone numerous surgeries and unfortunate complications which have forced her in and out of the hospital and still hasn’t been able to start chemo. Eileen is such an amazing person.  She is one of the strongest and most determined women I have ever met.  I look up to her in so many ways and I am so lucky to be a part of her family. Because of all her strong qualities… in theory the plan seemed so easy to get to her end goal and beat the cancer.  But easy is not even a word that can even be associated with what she has had to endure.   . 

I have been with Brian for almost 10 years and in that time I have obviously grown very close with his mom and his family.  But, it wasn’t until last year when I shared our infertility struggles with Eileen that we really became close.  During our IVF cycles, after every appointment I would have my list of people that I needed to update so the 1^st call was of course my mom but the very next call was to her. Even if it was early and with the time difference (she lives in Arizona) she always was excited to answer and hear how things went.   I can remember calling her the day we found out I was pregnant and how excited she was. She right away wanted to make sure that Brian (her baby boy) was taking care of me and her future grandbaby.  In July, Brian and I took our 1^st trip out to Arizona to visit her and we had such a great time.  I remember how excited she was for us and couldn’t wait to be called “Nana”.

As vivid as I remember the phone call to tell her our good news I also remember the call I had to make to let her know about my miscarriage.  But, she knew just what to say to make things feel a little better and help me get through my darkest days (I guess it’s a mom thing).  Since then we have been through 2 more unsuccessful IVF cycles and she still has remained positive and always gave me words of encouragement.   The hard part about the last cycle and this current cycle is that because of what she is going through and her hospital stays, I am not able to call her every time I get done with the dr and I miss that.  I miss her… 

After I found out about her cancer the 1^st thing I thought of was that if we are lucky enough to have kids, they may not meet their “Nana”.  I know she is going though so much pain and even as strong as she is, I know there are days that she just can’t take it.  But selfishly I don’t ever want her to stop fighting…  I don’t want to ever imagine my life without her in it or that she wouldn’t be a part of her grandkids lives.  Even though I know I could not control my miscarriage, I often feel guilty and think about how if hadn’t lost the baby that she would get the opportunity to be a nana.  I know that I shouldn’t even think that way but sometimes it’s hard not to.  So it is even more important that this current IVF cycle be a success. 

But with all that, whenever I am feeling sad or struggling through the day I think about Eileen’s new motto: “It is what it is… But will become what you make of it!” That exemplifies the type of person that she is… always looking for the positive even when things seem to be at their worst. 

I want to believe that the positive of having to go through all the IVF struggles has been to give me the opportunity to strengthen my relationship with my mother in-law.  So all my sadness, heartache and frustration has been worth it to know that I have been able to build a strong and everlasting bond with her that can never be taken away!

I love you Eileen,

Kate

"Aunt Flo" has Arrived!!!

Dear Hope,

Well it is true… “Aunt Flo” has come to town!!!! I know you are probably thinking this is a bad thing but after 43 days of no period I am thrilled.  My body and hormones have been so out of whack (just ask Brian…sorry!) that I am so glad to be on to my next step. So this also meant I could call in my “day 1” to my dr and get scheduled to go in for an ultrasound and blood work on day 3 (today-2/2/11).  So I went in today for morning monitoring and the dr walked in looked at me, looked my chart smiled and said isn’t this “de ja vu”.  Unfortunately yes… I told him I am hoping that this is lucky cycle #4!!!!  

The ultrasound went well…  My uterus and Ovaries looked good (believe it or not by now I actually know what to look for on the ultrasound screen and can tell what is normal) The dr counted out about 10 follicles in the right ovary and 14 in the left. Not every follicle will be mature or even produce an egg but it’s a great start!  The ultrasound is never a fun thing, but at least this means that I can continue on with this process. My blood work also came back good (E2 Level: 66.5 /P4 Level: 0.369).  So I will continue on the Lupron Injections and start the Low dose HCG and the Gonal F injections tonight.  Not looking forward to sticking myself 3 times each night but I am a pro at this by now!!!  Not something I had on my bucket list to overcome but I guess can I can mark it off! 

Next step… ultrasound and blood work on Saturday 2/5 to check on my progress.

Just for the record - morning monitoring for those that don’t know is between 6am-730am… so on top of all the medications now you know why I am so tired when I go through a cycle. It’s not the ideal way to start the day but as long as things are progressing I am happy and hoping that this will be the last time I have to go through this. 

More updates to come…

Kate